Saturday, April 10, 2010

A Poem

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.....

I love and miss you Baby Jon! I can't believe it was 16 months ago today since I held you. We should have been celebrating your 1st birthday pretty soon baby boy. Thank you for sending us your baby sister. She has been such a blessing.

** I'm not sure who wrote this poem, but it is beautiful.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

She's Here!

Cambelle Lauretta Ann Brudvig
6 pounds 11 ounces
19 1/4 inches
Born Monday, January 11, 2010
at 5:21 pm
Details to come later ... : )

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Baby Z's impending arrival

So we had an appointment with the doctor today. I love my doctor but sometimes I sure wish he wasn't such a 'by the book' kind of guy! I asked him if he could possibly 'strip my membranes' to get this show on the road. His response? Because I'm not 37 weeks (I'm 36 weeks and 6 days), he can't. But he will next week, if I'm still pregnant that is (his words, not mine) He also said that if I really want to get this show on the road, that I needed to have a talk with my uterus...HA! He did say that he would induce me, but not a day before 39 weeks. So if Baby Z hasn't shown up by then, we will be induced on January 22nd. We're 39 weeks on the 21st, but he's out of town that he's making me wait one more day! HA! Of course, he doesn't, nor do I, nor does my husband, think that we will make it until then. All of my babies have come 3 weeks early, and I am dilated to 3, so we'll see. I wouldn't be quite so anxious except for the fact that we live in the part of the country where we have blizzards frequently (we're possibly going to be having one in the next day or two), my mom lives 5 hours away and she's the one that is coming to stay with our other kids while I'm in the hospital, we live about 30 minutes away from the hospital in good weather, and I have super quick deliveries. Oh who am I kidding? I'd be anxious even if it wasn't for all of those things! I'm just anxious to get this baby home and healthy. Stay tuned....

Monday, December 21, 2009


The little pregnancy ticker on my page says 38 more days until Baby Z! Am I ready?? Physically - absolutely! But I'm not as sure that I'm 'prepared' yet!! On the other hand, I can't wait to get this new babe home and to see her and hold her and love on her! These past few weeks, I've had such worry and anxiety that something unthinkable, something beyond our control, is going to happen while she's still in my tummy. Lord, help me appreciate every hiccup, every super hard whack to the bladder and other organs, every ache in my back, and every contraction that I've been having because they are all just a sign that our baby girl is healthy and thriving and getting that much closer to making her appearance.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Baby Jon 12.10.08

I can't believe it's been a year already since we last held our angel baby. It seems like just yesterday.

My husband and I both took the day off from work to just hang out and spend the day together. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but we ended up doing ALL of our Christmas one day. It ended up working out great because it wasn't so busy on a Thursday morning/afternoon. And it was a good distraction.

We got a new ornament with Jon's name and birth date and hung it on the tree tonight. We had also decided last year that every year we want to buy a Christmas gift for a little boy the same age that Jon would be that year and donate it to Toys for Tots. So today, we picked out a little stuffed puppy dog and some rubber duckies for the bathtub. We hope whomever gets the toys will know that they were bought with love.

We love and miss you baby boy.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Boy or Girl?

It seems that there are quite a few people with this topic on their minds today (if the blogs I ‘stalk’ are any indication….) This was my comment on one of their blogs, and then I realized that I had been trying to formulate in my mind a post about this exact same thing. So here’s my ‘Comment/Post’.

When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and joked that we would be ‘disappointed’ if it was a boy. We knew we wouldn’t really be disappointed, we would just need to adjust to the idea that my husband wouldn’t ever have a little girl of his own. That was obviously before we knew what God had in store for us.

When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven. We also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy. But we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).

It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. And the knowledge that I will never be a mother to another baby boy is a difficult one. And that our 3 year old little boy that we have at home, will never have a little brother to play with. I think either way, whether we were blessed with a baby boy or a baby girl this time around, it would be difficult. And I think either way, whether our little angel ends up being a boy or a girl as the ultrasound technician has declared, we will be overwhelmed with joy and will be blessed. All we want this time is a healthy, live baby that we are able to bring home.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Out of the Blue

Do you know how, when you think you're doing fine, "it" just creeps up out of nowhere and kicks you in the behind?? The "it" I'm referring to is the sadness, the grief, the utter disbelief that you are now a mother who has a child that is in Heaven.

That happened to me this week. Tuesday it was 11 months. I knew that and thought I was doing ok with it. But Monday night, out of the blue, I just started crying uncontrollably and it took me a second to figure out what it was all about. This past 'angelversary' was harder than the past few months. I'm not sure if it's because we're getting closer to this new life coming into this world and all the anxiousness that comes along with that. Or maybe it was that this past weekend, we had the honor of being godparents for our new niece that was born just 5 weeks after our due date with Jon. I just kept thinking that we should have had our baby boy baptized not that long ago and that we should be taking pictures of the two cousins just a month apart. Or if it was the fact that next month, we will no longer be counting by months that we held our baby boy, but by years. First it was days, then weeks that passed by, then months, and now, already, we are on to counting by years. Wow. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago, and sometimes it seems unreal that it even ever happened to us.

I suspect decorating for Christmas will be difficult this year. We had only put up our Christmas tree about a week before we found out our baby had gone onto Heaven last year. We also proudly hung a new stocking, with no name on it, for the new baby. That stocking now has Jon's name on it, and we have another new stocking, with no name on it, for another new baby. But we do have 3 children at home that need to feel and know some kind of normal, so decorating we will do. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Sometimes the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event....I hope so anyway.