Thursday, November 12, 2009

Out of the Blue

Do you know how, when you think you're doing fine, "it" just creeps up out of nowhere and kicks you in the behind?? The "it" I'm referring to is the sadness, the grief, the utter disbelief that you are now a mother who has a child that is in Heaven.

That happened to me this week. Tuesday it was 11 months. I knew that and thought I was doing ok with it. But Monday night, out of the blue, I just started crying uncontrollably and it took me a second to figure out what it was all about. This past 'angelversary' was harder than the past few months. I'm not sure if it's because we're getting closer to this new life coming into this world and all the anxiousness that comes along with that. Or maybe it was that this past weekend, we had the honor of being godparents for our new niece that was born just 5 weeks after our due date with Jon. I just kept thinking that we should have had our baby boy baptized not that long ago and that we should be taking pictures of the two cousins just a month apart. Or if it was the fact that next month, we will no longer be counting by months that we held our baby boy, but by years. First it was days, then weeks that passed by, then months, and now, already, we are on to counting by years. Wow. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago, and sometimes it seems unreal that it even ever happened to us.

I suspect decorating for Christmas will be difficult this year. We had only put up our Christmas tree about a week before we found out our baby had gone onto Heaven last year. We also proudly hung a new stocking, with no name on it, for the new baby. That stocking now has Jon's name on it, and we have another new stocking, with no name on it, for another new baby. But we do have 3 children at home that need to feel and know some kind of normal, so decorating we will do. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Sometimes the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event....I hope so anyway.


  1. I think it is so important to remember. To include that little one who isn't there with you.

    We bought an ornament for our little one that we lost. I hang it on the tree (this will be the third year), have a good cry, and then the rest of the season I can look at it and smile.

    Every year for Halloween/Thanksgiving time, we buy pumpkins for each member of the family, all in the appropriate sizes--Daddy sized, Mommy-sized, etc. Colin gets one, Cam got one a bit smaller, Ethan a bit smaller, and then I buy the teeniest one I can find and it goes right in front. I don't know--it's like, I know about it, but I want other people to see some outward sign that we haven't forgotten...does that make sense? We got to add another teeny pumpkin this year for baby Peanut too. I will ALWAYS buy 7 pumpkins.

    I hope your decorating is able to be fun, and you can 'cry with hope' this year. It's so hard. I know.

  2. I do the same. I bought several ordaments for our tree in memory of Bryston. I know what you mean about the upcoming holidays are going to be hard. I am dreading it to. I agree with you, I am hoping that the anticipation is the worst part. *HUGS*