Friday, August 14, 2009


Yesterday I had a little meltdown....both before I went to the doctor's office and during the time I was there. I felt like I was on the verge of tears as soon as my husband walked in the door to pick me up and take me to the appointment. I held them back right up until we started talking to the doctor and then they just came out. Thankfully, our doctor is very understanding. He did everything he could humanly do to assure me that everything is ok. He brought in the ultrasound machine, and we got to see Baby Z moving around and his glorious heart beating away (I only say 'his' as an assumption, we couldn't see any gender parts). When I still wasn't totally convinced that everything was ok, he brought out the dreaded doppler thing and immediately found the heartbeat so we could hear. His comment was "Now we've seen and heard, but we can't touch...yet." Thank you Dr. R for being so understanding!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Trying to Breathe....

Today we have a doctor's appointment. This is the same appointment that we found out last time that our precious boy had already gone on to Heaven without our knowing. The doctor thinks he had been gone in my tummy for a few weeks. How could I not know that? How could we not have had any signs or symptoms? What kind of mother am I that didn't know her baby had died??

I knew being pregnant again was going to be a difficult thing, I just never realized just how difficult it would be. There have been moments of total fear and total joy. There have been moments of tears of grief and tears of hope. There have been moments of anxious waiting to bring this baby home and moments of doubting that we ever will, or at least not the way we want to. Will we be able to meet this little person, while he or she still has breath in them? Will we ever know what color his or her eyes are? Will we ever get to hear them cry? So many fears, so much hope.

Earlier this week, we passed the 8 month anniversary. On that same day, we were exactly as far along as we were with Jon when we found out he had died. Both those things were difficult things, but why did they have to be on the same day??

I have so much dread and fear going to this appointment this morning. I've been going over that fateful day 8 months ago in my mind, over and over again. I don't want the doctor to take out the doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat because I'm so afraid that he won't be able to find it. But yet, the last few days have been so hard waiting for this day that I just want it to be over. Can't I skip today and just have it be tomorrow and have everything be ok? Life wouldn't be so gruel to have this day turn out bad, could it??

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


We lovingly called this day "Jon's Day". This is the day the doctor's said he would come into this world. Little did any of us know that he would not come like "we" thought he was supposed to, but instead came the way God knew he was supposed to.

I knew the day was going to be difficult, but I wanted to make it a day of celebration. Celebration of what his life would have been. Celebration for what he had taught us.

We started the day out by planting a tree in our backyard in his memory. We made a little sitting area with the bench my husband had gotten me a few weeks before for Mother's Day, and each of the kids added something special from them. Sierra put out a cement plaque that had her handprint from a few years before, Savannah put out some of her favorite rocks from her rock collection, and Chance and Tickle (our cat) put out a plaster plaque with their foot prints. We had a plaque made with Jon's name and date of birth. All of the things are on the ground in front of the bench that is in front of the tree. It overlooks the playground we have in our backyard so it feels like he's out there with us, watching us, while we're playing.

After we planted the tree, we each tied a message onto a balloon and released them next to his tree. We had 6 baby blue balloons (one for each of us) and 1 bigger white heart balloon all for Jon. We hope they made their way up to him in Heaven. Next we had birthday cake for him and put on our bracelets that we had made with his name and date of birth.

The last thing we did to honor that day was looked at everything in his 'old' memory box and put it in his 'new' memory box. It feels good that he now has a nicer, permanent home. We were grateful for the memory box we got from the hospital, but the one we got from Megan at Greatest Blessings is so much nicer and more personal.

We love and miss you baby boy! You will forever be in our hearts.

Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
Expected Date of Birth
May 30, 2009