It seems that there are quite a few people with this topic on their minds today (if the blogs I ‘stalk’ are any indication….) This was my comment on one of their blogs, and then I realized that I had been trying to formulate in my mind a post about this exact same thing. So here’s my ‘Comment/Post’.
When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and joked that we would be ‘disappointed’ if it was a boy. We knew we wouldn’t really be disappointed, we would just need to adjust to the idea that my husband wouldn’t ever have a little girl of his own. That was obviously before we knew what God had in store for us.
When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven. We also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy. But we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).
It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. And the knowledge that I will never be a mother to another baby boy is a difficult one. And that our 3 year old little boy that we have at home, will never have a little brother to play with. I think either way, whether we were blessed with a baby boy or a baby girl this time around, it would be difficult. And I think either way, whether our little angel ends up being a boy or a girl as the ultrasound technician has declared, we will be overwhelmed with joy and will be blessed. All we want this time is a healthy, live baby that we are able to bring home.