Yesterday

Yesterday I had a little meltdown....both before I went to the doctor's office and during the time I was there. I felt like I was on the verge of tears as soon as my husband walked in the door to pick me up and take me to the appointment. I held them back right up until we started talking to the doctor and then they just came out. Thankfully, our doctor is very understanding. He did everything he could humanly do to assure me that everything is ok. He brought in the ultrasound machine, and we got to see Baby Z moving around and his glorious heart beating away (I only say 'his' as an assumption, we couldn't see any gender parts). When I still wasn't totally convinced that everything was ok, he brought out the dreaded doppler thing and immediately found the heartbeat so we could hear. His comment was "Now we've seen and heard, but we can't touch...yet." Thank you Dr. R for being so understanding!

Trying to Breathe....

Today we have a doctor's appointment. This is the same appointment that we found out last time that our precious boy had already gone on to Heaven without our knowing. The doctor thinks he had been gone in my tummy for a few weeks. How could I not know that? How could we not have had any signs or symptoms? What kind of mother am I that didn't know her baby had died??

I knew being pregnant again was going to be a difficult thing, I just never realized just how difficult it would be. There have been moments of total fear and total joy. There have been moments of tears of grief and tears of hope. There have been moments of anxious waiting to bring this baby home and moments of doubting that we ever will, or at least not the way we want to. Will we be able to meet this little person, while he or she still has breath in them? Will we ever know what color his or her eyes are? Will we ever get to hear them cry? So many fears, so much hope.

Earlier this week, we passed the 8 month anniversary. On that same day, we were exactly as far along as we were with Jon when we found out he had died. Both those things were difficult things, but why did they have to be on the same day??

I have so much dread and fear going to this appointment this morning. I've been going over that fateful day 8 months ago in my mind, over and over again. I don't want the doctor to take out the doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat because I'm so afraid that he won't be able to find it. But yet, the last few days have been so hard waiting for this day that I just want it to be over. Can't I skip today and just have it be tomorrow and have everything be ok? Life wouldn't be so gruel to have this day turn out bad, could it??

5.30.09

We lovingly called this day "Jon's Day". This is the day the doctor's said he would come into this world. Little did any of us know that he would not come like "we" thought he was supposed to, but instead came the way God knew he was supposed to.

I knew the day was going to be difficult, but I wanted to make it a day of celebration. Celebration of what his life would have been. Celebration for what he had taught us.

We started the day out by planting a tree in our backyard in his memory. We made a little sitting area with the bench my husband had gotten me a few weeks before for Mother's Day, and each of the kids added something special from them. Sierra put out a cement plaque that had her handprint from a few years before, Savannah put out some of her favorite rocks from her rock collection, and Chance and Tickle (our cat) put out a plaster plaque with their foot prints. We had a plaque made with Jon's name and date of birth. All of the things are on the ground in front of the bench that is in front of the tree. It overlooks the playground we have in our backyard so it feels like he's out there with us, watching us, while we're playing.

After we planted the tree, we each tied a message onto a balloon and released them next to his tree. We had 6 baby blue balloons (one for each of us) and 1 bigger white heart balloon all for Jon. We hope they made their way up to him in Heaven. Next we had birthday cake for him and put on our bracelets that we had made with his name and date of birth.

The last thing we did to honor that day was looked at everything in his 'old' memory box and put it in his 'new' memory box. It feels good that he now has a nicer, permanent home. We were grateful for the memory box we got from the hospital, but the one we got from Megan at Greatest Blessings is so much nicer and more personal.

We love and miss you baby boy! You will forever be in our hearts.

Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
Expected Date of Birth
May 30, 2009

It's been so long...

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. So much has happened. For now I will leave with this and update at a later time. I found this on another Baby Lost Mama's blog and it's simply beautiful....the hope that comes with a new baby after a loss.

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice.

There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

-Author Unknown

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. How awesome is it to have one day set aside to honor and show appreciation for all mothers (and fathers next month). I've always loved Mother's Day and watching my kids get excited for weeks (and whisper for weeks) about what they are going to make for me. And I love to watch the excitement on their faces when they are finally able to give me what they have lovingly made and anxiously waited to give.

But. Today is going to be a difficult Mother's Day. Today is a reminder that I am now a Mother to 3 angels on earth and 1 angel in Heaven. Oh how I wish I didn't have to belong to that sisterhood.

Today it has been 5 long months since I held my angel baby. Is it possible that it has been that long? It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all at the same time. I miss my baby boy so much. I think about him every day and wonder what he would be like, look like. Would he be colicky like his brother? Or easy going like his sisters? Would he have dark hair like his daddy? Or blond hair like the rest of us?

And today I live with the knowledge that I would probably be in the hospital having him right now if things had been meant to be different. Even though my due date is still 3 weeks away, if he followed suit as the other 3 did, he would come 3 weeks early. And I think and wonder how everything would have gone. Would my water break at home like it did with his brother, but I thought I had just peed my pants? Would he have had an easy labor like his sisters? Or been stubborn and difficult like his brother? Which by the way, describes my children to a 'T' - their labors and deliveries have foreshadowed their personalities (until we hit the preteen years with the oldest one that is, some stubbornness has certainly come out now!)

But. I do have 3 angels here on earth that I am so thankful for. So even though today is a day of sadness, I am going to try to do my darndest to put a smile on my face and be excited when they bring me the dandelions that Savannah and Chance picked for me this morning (which Savannah doesn't know I know yet, but Chance proudly announced to me when he walked in the house and she was still outside!) and ooh and ahh over all the other surprises and gifts they have in store for me today. The sun is shining (finally) so we are going to go out and have fun today and enjoy ourselves and be thankful for what we have.

Today (and everyday), I am the proud mommy of 4 babies.

Memo?

I wish there was a universal memo that would magically go out when someone experiences the death of their unborn baby. In the last few weeks, I've gotten some free samples of formula in the mail, some diaper coupons for my newborn baby, an advertisement from a portrait studio with a promotion for a 'welcome your newborn baby' portrait package, and a call from my insurance company asking how my pregnancy is going.

You would think the insurance company would have made a notation in my file (or something) that hmm...let's see....there were some delivery charges back in December, maybe I'm no longer pregnant and there's no need to call me to see how the pregnancy is going?? Shouldn't that throw up a BIG red flag???

Things will get easier....right? But when?

Poem

I just read this on someone's blog. Her family has recently gone through a similar experience to ours. We are one month and one week ahead of them in our journey.

To My Mother

I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I’m near.
This place is so beautiful, There’s so much to see!
I know that someday you’ll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you’ll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it’s me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It’s me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They’re especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I’ll always love you. You’re my friend and my mother.

-Dawn Mitchell 1998