Trying to Breathe....

Today we have a doctor's appointment. This is the same appointment that we found out last time that our precious boy had already gone on to Heaven without our knowing. The doctor thinks he had been gone in my tummy for a few weeks. How could I not know that? How could we not have had any signs or symptoms? What kind of mother am I that didn't know her baby had died??

I knew being pregnant again was going to be a difficult thing, I just never realized just how difficult it would be. There have been moments of total fear and total joy. There have been moments of tears of grief and tears of hope. There have been moments of anxious waiting to bring this baby home and moments of doubting that we ever will, or at least not the way we want to. Will we be able to meet this little person, while he or she still has breath in them? Will we ever know what color his or her eyes are? Will we ever get to hear them cry? So many fears, so much hope.

Earlier this week, we passed the 8 month anniversary. On that same day, we were exactly as far along as we were with Jon when we found out he had died. Both those things were difficult things, but why did they have to be on the same day??

I have so much dread and fear going to this appointment this morning. I've been going over that fateful day 8 months ago in my mind, over and over again. I don't want the doctor to take out the doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat because I'm so afraid that he won't be able to find it. But yet, the last few days have been so hard waiting for this day that I just want it to be over. Can't I skip today and just have it be tomorrow and have everything be ok? Life wouldn't be so gruel to have this day turn out bad, could it??