Memo?

I wish there was a universal memo that would magically go out when someone experiences the death of their unborn baby. In the last few weeks, I've gotten some free samples of formula in the mail, some diaper coupons for my newborn baby, an advertisement from a portrait studio with a promotion for a 'welcome your newborn baby' portrait package, and a call from my insurance company asking how my pregnancy is going.

You would think the insurance company would have made a notation in my file (or something) that hmm...let's see....there were some delivery charges back in December, maybe I'm no longer pregnant and there's no need to call me to see how the pregnancy is going?? Shouldn't that throw up a BIG red flag???

Things will get easier....right? But when?

Poem

I just read this on someone's blog. Her family has recently gone through a similar experience to ours. We are one month and one week ahead of them in our journey.

To My Mother

I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I’m near.
This place is so beautiful, There’s so much to see!
I know that someday you’ll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you’ll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it’s me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It’s me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They’re especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I’ll always love you. You’re my friend and my mother.

-Dawn Mitchell 1998

Wondering

I was just talking with a co-worker of mine (ok, it was my supervisor but this is my story so I'll tell it how I want to...) and I remembered something that I hadn't thought of until now. When we first found out we were pregnant with Jon, back in September, I had the oddest feeling of 'knowing' the baby was going to be born with Downs Syndrome. I have absolutely no idea why I would even think that, neither Aaron or I have a history of Downs Syndrome in our family. I'm not sure if it was just me thinking about my old age and the higher possibility of it or if it was 'women's intuition' or what exactly made me think that. I even went so far as to talk to our older children about the possibility. And for whatever reason, I was totally at peace with the idea of having a 'special' child.

The realization came to me when I was talking with my co-worker (aka 'supervisor') that we were going to have that test done that fateful December day when we went into the doctor. But we instead found out that our baby boy had already gone onto Heaven. We had the option of sending Jon's body to Minneapolis to have an autopsy, however, chose not to put his poor little body through that and to just accept God's will.

I wonder now what we would have found out if we had gone through with the autopsy. We will never know. But I know that it doesn't really matter and it doesn't change a thing. We still love our baby boy just the same.

Conversations

Friday was a pretty difficult day for me, as evidenced by my last post. I had a conversation with my very observant little Chance Man that put a smile on my face, just when I needed it. We were the only ones home that day. It went something like this....(Keep in mind, I was not crying at this time so I'm not sure where this whole conversation came from.)

"Mommy, you saaaaddd?" (sometimes out of nowhere my son has a very southern drawl, this is one of those times)

"Yes Chancey, mommy's sad because I'm thinking about Baby Jon"

"Baby Jon in mommy's tummy!"

"No honey, Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven"

"Mommy, your heart hurt?" (not sure where he came up with this...)

"Yes Baby, my heart hurts"

"Chancey better kiss it and make it all better!" (leans down and kisses somewhere between my neck and my chest)"There all better!"

"Thanks buddy, that does make mommy feel better."

"Mommy, your butt hurt?"

"No Chancey, mommy's butt doesn't hurt...." (hmm...ok, not sure why he felt the need to ask me that or what he would have done if I would have said yes!)

And with that, my day got a little bit better.

4.10.09

Remembering...today is a day for remembering. Today it has been 4 months since our baby boy was born with his angel wings. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago. We are now officially at the point that he has been in Heaven longer than he was with us. That's a difficult thing to realize.

This week has been a pretty emotional week. It seems I was doing better for a while, but as we get closer to the due date.....my heart and mind have been heavy. There are reminders all the time that we won't be bringing home our beautiful baby boy in 7 short weeks (or 4 weeks as my babies have all come 3 weeks early). Every month there is a reminder (which just happens to come at the end of the month when we should be celebrating being another month closer to our baby instead of dealing with mother nature's "monthly visits" - why does our body play such horrible tricks on our mind??). There is a reminder every time my precious 2 1/2 year old son proclaims "Baby Jon in mommy's tummy" and gets very upset and insists even harder when we try to explain that Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven. There's a reminder every Wednesday at 5:30 pm and every 10th of every month that yet another week/month has separated us even further from our baby, on this earth but not in our hearts.

I have been making some plans for May 30th. I want that day to be a day of celebration and love, not just tears and sadness (because oh will there be a lot of those). I have the hope that maybe once that day has come and gone, things will finally get easier. Maybe. Hopefully. Doubtful. We miss and love you baby Jon.

Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
5:30 pm

Susan