Boy or Girl?

It seems that there are quite a few people with this topic on their minds today (if the blogs I ‘stalk’ are any indication….) This was my comment on one of their blogs, and then I realized that I had been trying to formulate in my mind a post about this exact same thing. So here’s my ‘Comment/Post’.

When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and joked that we would be ‘disappointed’ if it was a boy. We knew we wouldn’t really be disappointed, we would just need to adjust to the idea that my husband wouldn’t ever have a little girl of his own. That was obviously before we knew what God had in store for us.

When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven. We also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy. But we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).

It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. And the knowledge that I will never be a mother to another baby boy is a difficult one. And that our 3 year old little boy that we have at home, will never have a little brother to play with. I think either way, whether we were blessed with a baby boy or a baby girl this time around, it would be difficult. And I think either way, whether our little angel ends up being a boy or a girl as the ultrasound technician has declared, we will be overwhelmed with joy and will be blessed. All we want this time is a healthy, live baby that we are able to bring home.

Out of the Blue

Do you know how, when you think you're doing fine, "it" just creeps up out of nowhere and kicks you in the behind?? The "it" I'm referring to is the sadness, the grief, the utter disbelief that you are now a mother who has a child that is in Heaven.

That happened to me this week. Tuesday it was 11 months. I knew that and thought I was doing ok with it. But Monday night, out of the blue, I just started crying uncontrollably and it took me a second to figure out what it was all about. This past 'angelversary' was harder than the past few months. I'm not sure if it's because we're getting closer to this new life coming into this world and all the anxiousness that comes along with that. Or maybe it was that this past weekend, we had the honor of being godparents for our new niece that was born just 5 weeks after our due date with Jon. I just kept thinking that we should have had our baby boy baptized not that long ago and that we should be taking pictures of the two cousins just a month apart. Or if it was the fact that next month, we will no longer be counting by months that we held our baby boy, but by years. First it was days, then weeks that passed by, then months, and now, already, we are on to counting by years. Wow. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago, and sometimes it seems unreal that it even ever happened to us.

I suspect decorating for Christmas will be difficult this year. We had only put up our Christmas tree about a week before we found out our baby had gone onto Heaven last year. We also proudly hung a new stocking, with no name on it, for the new baby. That stocking now has Jon's name on it, and we have another new stocking, with no name on it, for another new baby. But we do have 3 children at home that need to feel and know some kind of normal, so decorating we will do. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Sometimes the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event....I hope so anyway.

Baby Z

Yesterday we had our follow up 28 week ultrasound appt. The placenta did exactly what the doctor thought and has moved out of the way so no C section....Yay! :) We even got to see some very cool 3D pictures of our little girl in there, and were told by the ultrasound technician that she is definitely a girl......it's not usually the case to be so certain of a girl but she said there was no doubt about it, she is definitely a girl :)

I'm finding myself getting more and more excited thinking, hoping, praying that everything is going to be ok this time. I even let myself go out and buy some very cute pink outfits for her this weekend, and we're pretty set on a name already. Please Lord, let us bring her home healthy, full of breath, full of life.