Waiting

This Thursday, we will be 20 weeks along in our new adventure. This Thursday, we have our long awaited 'big' 20 week ultrasound. This Thursday, it will be 9 months since we said goodbye to our angel baby.

I am not going into this appointment filled with as much dread and anxiousness as I have the last ones...although today is only Tuesday, we'll see what Wednesday and Thursday bring. I do know that before my 'baby lost mama' days or pre 'angel baby days', I would have been anxiously awaiting this appointment in anticipation of finding out the sex of our baby. Now, I am anxiously awaiting this appointment to make sure that our baby is still alive and thriving in my tummy. I don't trust my body anymore to let me know if something is not right. I don't trust the kicks I feel because I felt them all along with Jon, even after he was born. I have lost my naivity in thinking that this can't happen to me....because it can....or that this can't happen to me again....because it can....or everything will be fine now that I'm past the 1st trimester....because we unfortunately know differently.

There is a world out there of baby lost mamas that find out at their 20 week ultrasound that things are not going along as planned for their baby. And there are mamas that lose their babies at 28 weeks, 38 weeks, even 40 weeks along. And there are mamas that lose their babies in the hospital after only being alive for a few precious hours or days. And there are mamas out there that unfortunately have to live the experience of losing a child more than once. Something that no parent should ever have to experience, some have to do multiple times. I don't want to belong to this club anymore....