I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have is memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.....
I love and miss you Baby Jon! I can't believe it was 16 months ago today since I held you. We should have been celebrating your 1st birthday pretty soon baby boy. Thank you for sending us your baby sister. She has been such a blessing.
** I'm not sure who wrote this poem, but it is beautiful.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
She's Here!
Cambelle Lauretta Ann Brudvig
6 pounds 11 ounces
19 1/4 inches
Born Monday, January 11, 2010
at 5:21 pm
Details to come later ... : )
6 pounds 11 ounces
19 1/4 inches
Born Monday, January 11, 2010
at 5:21 pm
Details to come later ... : )
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Baby Z's impending arrival
So we had an appointment with the doctor today. I love my doctor but sometimes I sure wish he wasn't such a 'by the book' kind of guy! I asked him if he could possibly 'strip my membranes' to get this show on the road. His response? Because I'm not 37 weeks (I'm 36 weeks and 6 days), he can't. But he will next week, if I'm still pregnant that is (his words, not mine) He also said that if I really want to get this show on the road, that I needed to have a talk with my uterus...HA! He did say that he would induce me, but not a day before 39 weeks. So if Baby Z hasn't shown up by then, we will be induced on January 22nd. We're 39 weeks on the 21st, but he's out of town that day.....so he's making me wait one more day! HA! Of course, he doesn't, nor do I, nor does my husband, think that we will make it until then. All of my babies have come 3 weeks early, and I am dilated to 3, so we'll see. I wouldn't be quite so anxious except for the fact that we live in the part of the country where we have blizzards frequently (we're possibly going to be having one in the next day or two), my mom lives 5 hours away and she's the one that is coming to stay with our other kids while I'm in the hospital, we live about 30 minutes away from the hospital in good weather, and I have super quick deliveries. Oh who am I kidding? I'd be anxious even if it wasn't for all of those things! I'm just anxious to get this baby home and healthy. Stay tuned....
Monday, December 21, 2009
Umm....
The little pregnancy ticker on my page says 38 more days until Baby Z! Am I ready?? Physically - absolutely! But I'm not as sure that I'm 'prepared' yet!! On the other hand, I can't wait to get this new babe home and to see her and hold her and love on her! These past few weeks, I've had such worry and anxiety that something unthinkable, something beyond our control, is going to happen while she's still in my tummy. Lord, help me appreciate every hiccup, every super hard whack to the bladder and other organs, every ache in my back, and every contraction that I've been having because they are all just a sign that our baby girl is healthy and thriving and getting that much closer to making her appearance.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Baby Jon 12.10.08
I can't believe it's been a year already since we last held our angel baby. It seems like just yesterday.
My husband and I both took the day off from work to just hang out and spend the day together. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but we ended up doing ALL of our Christmas shopping....in one day. It ended up working out great because it wasn't so busy on a Thursday morning/afternoon. And it was a good distraction.
We got a new ornament with Jon's name and birth date and hung it on the tree tonight. We had also decided last year that every year we want to buy a Christmas gift for a little boy the same age that Jon would be that year and donate it to Toys for Tots. So today, we picked out a little stuffed puppy dog and some rubber duckies for the bathtub. We hope whomever gets the toys will know that they were bought with love.
We love and miss you baby boy.
Love,
Mommy
My husband and I both took the day off from work to just hang out and spend the day together. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but we ended up doing ALL of our Christmas shopping....in one day. It ended up working out great because it wasn't so busy on a Thursday morning/afternoon. And it was a good distraction.
We got a new ornament with Jon's name and birth date and hung it on the tree tonight. We had also decided last year that every year we want to buy a Christmas gift for a little boy the same age that Jon would be that year and donate it to Toys for Tots. So today, we picked out a little stuffed puppy dog and some rubber duckies for the bathtub. We hope whomever gets the toys will know that they were bought with love.
We love and miss you baby boy.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Boy or Girl?
It seems that there are quite a few people with this topic on their minds today (if the blogs I ‘stalk’ are any indication….) This was my comment on one of their blogs, and then I realized that I had been trying to formulate in my mind a post about this exact same thing. So here’s my ‘Comment/Post’.
When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and joked that we would be ‘disappointed’ if it was a boy. We knew we wouldn’t really be disappointed, we would just need to adjust to the idea that my husband wouldn’t ever have a little girl of his own. That was obviously before we knew what God had in store for us.
When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven. We also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy. But we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).
It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. And the knowledge that I will never be a mother to another baby boy is a difficult one. And that our 3 year old little boy that we have at home, will never have a little brother to play with. I think either way, whether we were blessed with a baby boy or a baby girl this time around, it would be difficult. And I think either way, whether our little angel ends up being a boy or a girl as the ultrasound technician has declared, we will be overwhelmed with joy and will be blessed. All we want this time is a healthy, live baby that we are able to bring home.
When we were pregnant last time, we knew it was going to be our last baby and we made kind of a big deal about how we really wanted to have a girl and joked that we would be ‘disappointed’ if it was a boy. We knew we wouldn’t really be disappointed, we would just need to adjust to the idea that my husband wouldn’t ever have a little girl of his own. That was obviously before we knew what God had in store for us.
When we found out our baby died, and that he was a boy, my husband and I both had some guilt to work through. We knew that it wasn't anything that we had done or said that made our baby go to Heaven. We also knew that we would have been just as overwhelmed with joy when we did find out that he was a boy. But we still had that feeling like we let our little boy down. So when we became pregnant again, it was a difficult thing when people would ask us if we were hoping for a girl or a boy....We were hoping for a live, healthy baby (and still are).
It's been very bittersweet to find out that we are getting the girl we at one time had been hoping for, but also feel such sadness and guilt that our baby boy had to die in order for his sister to come into this world. And the knowledge that I will never be a mother to another baby boy is a difficult one. And that our 3 year old little boy that we have at home, will never have a little brother to play with. I think either way, whether we were blessed with a baby boy or a baby girl this time around, it would be difficult. And I think either way, whether our little angel ends up being a boy or a girl as the ultrasound technician has declared, we will be overwhelmed with joy and will be blessed. All we want this time is a healthy, live baby that we are able to bring home.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Out of the Blue
Do you know how, when you think you're doing fine, "it" just creeps up out of nowhere and kicks you in the behind?? The "it" I'm referring to is the sadness, the grief, the utter disbelief that you are now a mother who has a child that is in Heaven.
That happened to me this week. Tuesday it was 11 months. I knew that and thought I was doing ok with it. But Monday night, out of the blue, I just started crying uncontrollably and it took me a second to figure out what it was all about. This past 'angelversary' was harder than the past few months. I'm not sure if it's because we're getting closer to this new life coming into this world and all the anxiousness that comes along with that. Or maybe it was that this past weekend, we had the honor of being godparents for our new niece that was born just 5 weeks after our due date with Jon. I just kept thinking that we should have had our baby boy baptized not that long ago and that we should be taking pictures of the two cousins just a month apart. Or if it was the fact that next month, we will no longer be counting by months that we held our baby boy, but by years. First it was days, then weeks that passed by, then months, and now, already, we are on to counting by years. Wow. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago, and sometimes it seems unreal that it even ever happened to us.
I suspect decorating for Christmas will be difficult this year. We had only put up our Christmas tree about a week before we found out our baby had gone onto Heaven last year. We also proudly hung a new stocking, with no name on it, for the new baby. That stocking now has Jon's name on it, and we have another new stocking, with no name on it, for another new baby. But we do have 3 children at home that need to feel and know some kind of normal, so decorating we will do. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Sometimes the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event....I hope so anyway.
That happened to me this week. Tuesday it was 11 months. I knew that and thought I was doing ok with it. But Monday night, out of the blue, I just started crying uncontrollably and it took me a second to figure out what it was all about. This past 'angelversary' was harder than the past few months. I'm not sure if it's because we're getting closer to this new life coming into this world and all the anxiousness that comes along with that. Or maybe it was that this past weekend, we had the honor of being godparents for our new niece that was born just 5 weeks after our due date with Jon. I just kept thinking that we should have had our baby boy baptized not that long ago and that we should be taking pictures of the two cousins just a month apart. Or if it was the fact that next month, we will no longer be counting by months that we held our baby boy, but by years. First it was days, then weeks that passed by, then months, and now, already, we are on to counting by years. Wow. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago, and sometimes it seems unreal that it even ever happened to us.
I suspect decorating for Christmas will be difficult this year. We had only put up our Christmas tree about a week before we found out our baby had gone onto Heaven last year. We also proudly hung a new stocking, with no name on it, for the new baby. That stocking now has Jon's name on it, and we have another new stocking, with no name on it, for another new baby. But we do have 3 children at home that need to feel and know some kind of normal, so decorating we will do. Maybe it won't be as difficult as I fear. Sometimes the anticipation of something is worse than the actual event....I hope so anyway.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Baby Z
Yesterday we had our follow up 28 week ultrasound appt. The placenta did exactly what the doctor thought and has moved out of the way so no C section....Yay! :) We even got to see some very cool 3D pictures of our little girl in there, and were told by the ultrasound technician that she is definitely a girl......it's not usually the case to be so certain of a girl but she said there was no doubt about it, she is definitely a girl :)
I'm finding myself getting more and more excited thinking, hoping, praying that everything is going to be ok this time. I even let myself go out and buy some very cute pink outfits for her this weekend, and we're pretty set on a name already. Please Lord, let us bring her home healthy, full of breath, full of life.
I'm finding myself getting more and more excited thinking, hoping, praying that everything is going to be ok this time. I even let myself go out and buy some very cute pink outfits for her this weekend, and we're pretty set on a name already. Please Lord, let us bring her home healthy, full of breath, full of life.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
10.15.09 Remembrance Day
The gloomy weather outside matches my mood today. Remembering you today (and everyday) Baby Jon, and wishing you were here with us. My arms ache to hold you again. We love and miss you so terribly much.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Waiting
This Thursday, we will be 20 weeks along in our new adventure. This Thursday, we have our long awaited 'big' 20 week ultrasound. This Thursday, it will be 9 months since we said goodbye to our angel baby.
I am not going into this appointment filled with as much dread and anxiousness as I have the last ones...although today is only Tuesday, we'll see what Wednesday and Thursday bring. I do know that before my 'baby lost mama' days or pre 'angel baby days', I would have been anxiously awaiting this appointment in anticipation of finding out the sex of our baby. Now, I am anxiously awaiting this appointment to make sure that our baby is still alive and thriving in my tummy. I don't trust my body anymore to let me know if something is not right. I don't trust the kicks I feel because I felt them all along with Jon, even after he was born. I have lost my naivity in thinking that this can't happen to me....because it can....or that this can't happen to me again....because it can....or everything will be fine now that I'm past the 1st trimester....because we unfortunately know differently.
There is a world out there of baby lost mamas that find out at their 20 week ultrasound that things are not going along as planned for their baby. And there are mamas that lose their babies at 28 weeks, 38 weeks, even 40 weeks along. And there are mamas that lose their babies in the hospital after only being alive for a few precious hours or days. And there are mamas out there that unfortunately have to live the experience of losing a child more than once. Something that no parent should ever have to experience, some have to do multiple times. I don't want to belong to this club anymore....
I am not going into this appointment filled with as much dread and anxiousness as I have the last ones...although today is only Tuesday, we'll see what Wednesday and Thursday bring. I do know that before my 'baby lost mama' days or pre 'angel baby days', I would have been anxiously awaiting this appointment in anticipation of finding out the sex of our baby. Now, I am anxiously awaiting this appointment to make sure that our baby is still alive and thriving in my tummy. I don't trust my body anymore to let me know if something is not right. I don't trust the kicks I feel because I felt them all along with Jon, even after he was born. I have lost my naivity in thinking that this can't happen to me....because it can....or that this can't happen to me again....because it can....or everything will be fine now that I'm past the 1st trimester....because we unfortunately know differently.
There is a world out there of baby lost mamas that find out at their 20 week ultrasound that things are not going along as planned for their baby. And there are mamas that lose their babies at 28 weeks, 38 weeks, even 40 weeks along. And there are mamas that lose their babies in the hospital after only being alive for a few precious hours or days. And there are mamas out there that unfortunately have to live the experience of losing a child more than once. Something that no parent should ever have to experience, some have to do multiple times. I don't want to belong to this club anymore....
Friday, August 14, 2009
Yesterday
Yesterday I had a little meltdown....both before I went to the doctor's office and during the time I was there. I felt like I was on the verge of tears as soon as my husband walked in the door to pick me up and take me to the appointment. I held them back right up until we started talking to the doctor and then they just came out. Thankfully, our doctor is very understanding. He did everything he could humanly do to assure me that everything is ok. He brought in the ultrasound machine, and we got to see Baby Z moving around and his glorious heart beating away (I only say 'his' as an assumption, we couldn't see any gender parts). When I still wasn't totally convinced that everything was ok, he brought out the dreaded doppler thing and immediately found the heartbeat so we could hear. His comment was "Now we've seen and heard, but we can't touch...yet." Thank you Dr. R for being so understanding!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Trying to Breathe....
Today we have a doctor's appointment. This is the same appointment that we found out last time that our precious boy had already gone on to Heaven without our knowing. The doctor thinks he had been gone in my tummy for a few weeks. How could I not know that? How could we not have had any signs or symptoms? What kind of mother am I that didn't know her baby had died??
I knew being pregnant again was going to be a difficult thing, I just never realized just how difficult it would be. There have been moments of total fear and total joy. There have been moments of tears of grief and tears of hope. There have been moments of anxious waiting to bring this baby home and moments of doubting that we ever will, or at least not the way we want to. Will we be able to meet this little person, while he or she still has breath in them? Will we ever know what color his or her eyes are? Will we ever get to hear them cry? So many fears, so much hope.
Earlier this week, we passed the 8 month anniversary. On that same day, we were exactly as far along as we were with Jon when we found out he had died. Both those things were difficult things, but why did they have to be on the same day??
I have so much dread and fear going to this appointment this morning. I've been going over that fateful day 8 months ago in my mind, over and over again. I don't want the doctor to take out the doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat because I'm so afraid that he won't be able to find it. But yet, the last few days have been so hard waiting for this day that I just want it to be over. Can't I skip today and just have it be tomorrow and have everything be ok? Life wouldn't be so gruel to have this day turn out bad, could it??
I knew being pregnant again was going to be a difficult thing, I just never realized just how difficult it would be. There have been moments of total fear and total joy. There have been moments of tears of grief and tears of hope. There have been moments of anxious waiting to bring this baby home and moments of doubting that we ever will, or at least not the way we want to. Will we be able to meet this little person, while he or she still has breath in them? Will we ever know what color his or her eyes are? Will we ever get to hear them cry? So many fears, so much hope.
Earlier this week, we passed the 8 month anniversary. On that same day, we were exactly as far along as we were with Jon when we found out he had died. Both those things were difficult things, but why did they have to be on the same day??
I have so much dread and fear going to this appointment this morning. I've been going over that fateful day 8 months ago in my mind, over and over again. I don't want the doctor to take out the doppler thing to listen to the heartbeat because I'm so afraid that he won't be able to find it. But yet, the last few days have been so hard waiting for this day that I just want it to be over. Can't I skip today and just have it be tomorrow and have everything be ok? Life wouldn't be so gruel to have this day turn out bad, could it??
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
5.30.09
We lovingly called this day "Jon's Day". This is the day the doctor's said he would come into this world. Little did any of us know that he would not come like "we" thought he was supposed to, but instead came the way God knew he was supposed to.
I knew the day was going to be difficult, but I wanted to make it a day of celebration. Celebration of what his life would have been. Celebration for what he had taught us.
We started the day out by planting a tree in our backyard in his memory. We made a little sitting area with the bench my husband had gotten me a few weeks before for Mother's Day, and each of the kids added something special from them. Sierra put out a cement plaque that had her handprint from a few years before, Savannah put out some of her favorite rocks from her rock collection, and Chance and Tickle (our cat) put out a plaster plaque with their foot prints. We had a plaque made with Jon's name and date of birth. All of the things are on the ground in front of the bench that is in front of the tree. It overlooks the playground we have in our backyard so it feels like he's out there with us, watching us, while we're playing.
After we planted the tree, we each tied a message onto a balloon and released them next to his tree. We had 6 baby blue balloons (one for each of us) and 1 bigger white heart balloon all for Jon. We hope they made their way up to him in Heaven. Next we had birthday cake for him and put on our bracelets that we had made with his name and date of birth.
The last thing we did to honor that day was looked at everything in his 'old' memory box and put it in his 'new' memory box. It feels good that he now has a nicer, permanent home. We were grateful for the memory box we got from the hospital, but the one we got from Megan at Greatest Blessings is so much nicer and more personal.
We love and miss you baby boy! You will forever be in our hearts.
Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
Expected Date of Birth
May 30, 2009
I knew the day was going to be difficult, but I wanted to make it a day of celebration. Celebration of what his life would have been. Celebration for what he had taught us.
We started the day out by planting a tree in our backyard in his memory. We made a little sitting area with the bench my husband had gotten me a few weeks before for Mother's Day, and each of the kids added something special from them. Sierra put out a cement plaque that had her handprint from a few years before, Savannah put out some of her favorite rocks from her rock collection, and Chance and Tickle (our cat) put out a plaster plaque with their foot prints. We had a plaque made with Jon's name and date of birth. All of the things are on the ground in front of the bench that is in front of the tree. It overlooks the playground we have in our backyard so it feels like he's out there with us, watching us, while we're playing.
After we planted the tree, we each tied a message onto a balloon and released them next to his tree. We had 6 baby blue balloons (one for each of us) and 1 bigger white heart balloon all for Jon. We hope they made their way up to him in Heaven. Next we had birthday cake for him and put on our bracelets that we had made with his name and date of birth.
The last thing we did to honor that day was looked at everything in his 'old' memory box and put it in his 'new' memory box. It feels good that he now has a nicer, permanent home. We were grateful for the memory box we got from the hospital, but the one we got from Megan at Greatest Blessings is so much nicer and more personal.
We love and miss you baby boy! You will forever be in our hearts.
Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
Expected Date of Birth
May 30, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
It's been so long...
Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. So much has happened. For now I will leave with this and update at a later time. I found this on another Baby Lost Mama's blog and it's simply beautiful....the hope that comes with a new baby after a loss.
A Different Child
A different child,
People notice.
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
-Author Unknown
A Different Child
A different child,
People notice.
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."
-Author Unknown
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day. How awesome is it to have one day set aside to honor and show appreciation for all mothers (and fathers next month). I've always loved Mother's Day and watching my kids get excited for weeks (and whisper for weeks) about what they are going to make for me. And I love to watch the excitement on their faces when they are finally able to give me what they have lovingly made and anxiously waited to give.
But. Today is going to be a difficult Mother's Day. Today is a reminder that I am now a Mother to 3 angels on earth and 1 angel in Heaven. Oh how I wish I didn't have to belong to that sisterhood.
Today it has been 5 long months since I held my angel baby. Is it possible that it has been that long? It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all at the same time. I miss my baby boy so much. I think about him every day and wonder what he would be like, look like. Would he be colicky like his brother? Or easy going like his sisters? Would he have dark hair like his daddy? Or blond hair like the rest of us?
And today I live with the knowledge that I would probably be in the hospital having him right now if things had been meant to be different. Even though my due date is still 3 weeks away, if he followed suit as the other 3 did, he would come 3 weeks early. And I think and wonder how everything would have gone. Would my water break at home like it did with his brother, but I thought I had just peed my pants? Would he have had an easy labor like his sisters? Or been stubborn and difficult like his brother? Which by the way, describes my children to a 'T' - their labors and deliveries have foreshadowed their personalities (until we hit the preteen years with the oldest one that is, some stubbornness has certainly come out now!)
But. I do have 3 angels here on earth that I am so thankful for. So even though today is a day of sadness, I am going to try to do my darndest to put a smile on my face and be excited when they bring me the dandelions that Savannah and Chance picked for me this morning (which Savannah doesn't know I know yet, but Chance proudly announced to me when he walked in the house and she was still outside!) and ooh and ahh over all the other surprises and gifts they have in store for me today. The sun is shining (finally) so we are going to go out and have fun today and enjoy ourselves and be thankful for what we have.
Today (and everyday), I am the proud mommy of 4 babies.
But. Today is going to be a difficult Mother's Day. Today is a reminder that I am now a Mother to 3 angels on earth and 1 angel in Heaven. Oh how I wish I didn't have to belong to that sisterhood.
Today it has been 5 long months since I held my angel baby. Is it possible that it has been that long? It seems like forever ago and just yesterday all at the same time. I miss my baby boy so much. I think about him every day and wonder what he would be like, look like. Would he be colicky like his brother? Or easy going like his sisters? Would he have dark hair like his daddy? Or blond hair like the rest of us?
And today I live with the knowledge that I would probably be in the hospital having him right now if things had been meant to be different. Even though my due date is still 3 weeks away, if he followed suit as the other 3 did, he would come 3 weeks early. And I think and wonder how everything would have gone. Would my water break at home like it did with his brother, but I thought I had just peed my pants? Would he have had an easy labor like his sisters? Or been stubborn and difficult like his brother? Which by the way, describes my children to a 'T' - their labors and deliveries have foreshadowed their personalities (until we hit the preteen years with the oldest one that is, some stubbornness has certainly come out now!)
But. I do have 3 angels here on earth that I am so thankful for. So even though today is a day of sadness, I am going to try to do my darndest to put a smile on my face and be excited when they bring me the dandelions that Savannah and Chance picked for me this morning (which Savannah doesn't know I know yet, but Chance proudly announced to me when he walked in the house and she was still outside!) and ooh and ahh over all the other surprises and gifts they have in store for me today. The sun is shining (finally) so we are going to go out and have fun today and enjoy ourselves and be thankful for what we have.
Today (and everyday), I am the proud mommy of 4 babies.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Memo?
I wish there was a universal memo that would magically go out when someone experiences the death of their unborn baby. In the last few weeks, I've gotten some free samples of formula in the mail, some diaper coupons for my newborn baby, an advertisement from a portrait studio with a promotion for a 'welcome your newborn baby' portrait package, and a call from my insurance company asking how my pregnancy is going.
You would think the insurance company would have made a notation in my file (or something) that hmm...let's see....there were some delivery charges back in December, maybe I'm no longer pregnant and there's no need to call me to see how the pregnancy is going?? Shouldn't that throw up a BIG red flag???
Things will get easier....right? But when?
You would think the insurance company would have made a notation in my file (or something) that hmm...let's see....there were some delivery charges back in December, maybe I'm no longer pregnant and there's no need to call me to see how the pregnancy is going?? Shouldn't that throw up a BIG red flag???
Things will get easier....right? But when?
Friday, April 17, 2009
Poem
I just read this on someone's blog. Her family has recently gone through a similar experience to ours. We are one month and one week ahead of them in our journey.
To My Mother
I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I’m near.
This place is so beautiful, There’s so much to see!
I know that someday you’ll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you’ll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it’s me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It’s me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They’re especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I’ll always love you. You’re my friend and my mother.
-Dawn Mitchell 1998
To My Mother
I see you each time you shed a tear,
I catch it and kiss you, I hope that you know that I’m near.
This place is so beautiful, There’s so much to see!
I know that someday you’ll be here with me.
The angels were singing when I arrived!
Jesus was there with His arms open wide!
The snow and the rain are just my confetti.
I know you’ll be coming and I want to be ready.
When you feel the wind, it’s me walking by.
I can run and skip now, I can even fly!
When the blossoms and leaves fall into your hair,
It’s me planting kisses, yes, I put them there!
The birds are singing to keep you company,
They’re especially for you with love from me.
I know that you miss me and feel so alone,
Until the great day when you finally come home
Please remember as the seasons change from one to another,
I’ll always love you. You’re my friend and my mother.
-Dawn Mitchell 1998
Wondering
I was just talking with a co-worker of mine (ok, it was my supervisor but this is my story so I'll tell it how I want to...) and I remembered something that I hadn't thought of until now. When we first found out we were pregnant with Jon, back in September, I had the oddest feeling of 'knowing' the baby was going to be born with Downs Syndrome. I have absolutely no idea why I would even think that, neither Aaron or I have a history of Downs Syndrome in our family. I'm not sure if it was just me thinking about my old age and the higher possibility of it or if it was 'women's intuition' or what exactly made me think that. I even went so far as to talk to our older children about the possibility. And for whatever reason, I was totally at peace with the idea of having a 'special' child.
The realization came to me when I was talking with my co-worker (aka 'supervisor') that we were going to have that test done that fateful December day when we went into the doctor. But we instead found out that our baby boy had already gone onto Heaven. We had the option of sending Jon's body to Minneapolis to have an autopsy, however, chose not to put his poor little body through that and to just accept God's will.
I wonder now what we would have found out if we had gone through with the autopsy. We will never know. But I know that it doesn't really matter and it doesn't change a thing. We still love our baby boy just the same.
The realization came to me when I was talking with my co-worker (aka 'supervisor') that we were going to have that test done that fateful December day when we went into the doctor. But we instead found out that our baby boy had already gone onto Heaven. We had the option of sending Jon's body to Minneapolis to have an autopsy, however, chose not to put his poor little body through that and to just accept God's will.
I wonder now what we would have found out if we had gone through with the autopsy. We will never know. But I know that it doesn't really matter and it doesn't change a thing. We still love our baby boy just the same.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Conversations
Friday was a pretty difficult day for me, as evidenced by my last post. I had a conversation with my very observant little Chance Man that put a smile on my face, just when I needed it. We were the only ones home that day. It went something like this....(Keep in mind, I was not crying at this time so I'm not sure where this whole conversation came from.)
"Mommy, you saaaaddd?" (sometimes out of nowhere my son has a very southern drawl, this is one of those times)
"Yes Chancey, mommy's sad because I'm thinking about Baby Jon"
"Baby Jon in mommy's tummy!"
"No honey, Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven"
"Mommy, your heart hurt?" (not sure where he came up with this...)
"Yes Baby, my heart hurts"
"Chancey better kiss it and make it all better!" (leans down and kisses somewhere between my neck and my chest)"There all better!"
"Thanks buddy, that does make mommy feel better."
"Mommy, your butt hurt?"
"No Chancey, mommy's butt doesn't hurt...." (hmm...ok, not sure why he felt the need to ask me that or what he would have done if I would have said yes!)
And with that, my day got a little bit better.
"Mommy, you saaaaddd?" (sometimes out of nowhere my son has a very southern drawl, this is one of those times)
"Yes Chancey, mommy's sad because I'm thinking about Baby Jon"
"Baby Jon in mommy's tummy!"
"No honey, Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven"
"Mommy, your heart hurt?" (not sure where he came up with this...)
"Yes Baby, my heart hurts"
"Chancey better kiss it and make it all better!" (leans down and kisses somewhere between my neck and my chest)"There all better!"
"Thanks buddy, that does make mommy feel better."
"Mommy, your butt hurt?"
"No Chancey, mommy's butt doesn't hurt...." (hmm...ok, not sure why he felt the need to ask me that or what he would have done if I would have said yes!)
And with that, my day got a little bit better.
Friday, April 10, 2009
4.10.09
Remembering...today is a day for remembering. Today it has been 4 months since our baby boy was born with his angel wings. In some ways it seems like yesterday, in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago. We are now officially at the point that he has been in Heaven longer than he was with us. That's a difficult thing to realize.
This week has been a pretty emotional week. It seems I was doing better for a while, but as we get closer to the due date.....my heart and mind have been heavy. There are reminders all the time that we won't be bringing home our beautiful baby boy in 7 short weeks (or 4 weeks as my babies have all come 3 weeks early). Every month there is a reminder (which just happens to come at the end of the month when we should be celebrating being another month closer to our baby instead of dealing with mother nature's "monthly visits" - why does our body play such horrible tricks on our mind??). There is a reminder every time my precious 2 1/2 year old son proclaims "Baby Jon in mommy's tummy" and gets very upset and insists even harder when we try to explain that Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven. There's a reminder every Wednesday at 5:30 pm and every 10th of every month that yet another week/month has separated us even further from our baby, on this earth but not in our hearts.
I have been making some plans for May 30th. I want that day to be a day of celebration and love, not just tears and sadness (because oh will there be a lot of those). I have the hope that maybe once that day has come and gone, things will finally get easier. Maybe. Hopefully. Doubtful. We miss and love you baby Jon.
Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
5:30 pm
Susan
This week has been a pretty emotional week. It seems I was doing better for a while, but as we get closer to the due date.....my heart and mind have been heavy. There are reminders all the time that we won't be bringing home our beautiful baby boy in 7 short weeks (or 4 weeks as my babies have all come 3 weeks early). Every month there is a reminder (which just happens to come at the end of the month when we should be celebrating being another month closer to our baby instead of dealing with mother nature's "monthly visits" - why does our body play such horrible tricks on our mind??). There is a reminder every time my precious 2 1/2 year old son proclaims "Baby Jon in mommy's tummy" and gets very upset and insists even harder when we try to explain that Baby Jon is an Angel in Heaven. There's a reminder every Wednesday at 5:30 pm and every 10th of every month that yet another week/month has separated us even further from our baby, on this earth but not in our hearts.
I have been making some plans for May 30th. I want that day to be a day of celebration and love, not just tears and sadness (because oh will there be a lot of those). I have the hope that maybe once that day has come and gone, things will finally get easier. Maybe. Hopefully. Doubtful. We miss and love you baby Jon.
Jon Aaron Brudvig
December 10, 2008
5:30 pm
Susan
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